It Ain't Easy Being Green
by LM
Summary: Green Lantern: the parody.


_Author's Notes:_

The words may be mine, but the plot is from the first issue of Green Lantern (the current series.) I wrote this little parody a while ago. I was originally going to do the whole series, but it somehow went on the back burner . . . Maybe once I finish moving and can dig out my comics again. ^_^ 

Of course, this is funnier if you've actually read the issue, but hopefully it's at least mildly diverting even if you haven't. ^_~

As usual, all characters are owned by DC and used for entertainment, not profit.

And speaking of the characters: 

_Hal Jordan_ - A Green Lantern when he's not too busy brooding to do his job.

_John Stewart_ - A Green Lantern, aka "the one in the Justice League cartoon"

_Guy Gardner_ - A Green Lantern (there sure are a lot of these guys, aren't there??) who works with the present incarnation of the Justice League. And he has a stupid haircut!

_Rose_ - I think Hal originally met her when he was "hard travelin'" with Ollie "Green Arrow" Queen. Not positive, though.

_Toby_ - Rose's irritating brat of a son

_Batman_ - C'mon, everyone knows who Batman is.

_Blue Beetle_ - And everyone SHOULD know who Blue Beetle is because he ROCKS! ^_~

* * *

_**"Down to Earth"**_ - June 1990

  


**Hal Jordan:** Well, here I am on this cliff. I think I'll brood over my life for a while. *brood brood* Well . . . that was fun. Hey, I think I'll jump off this cliff . . . and turn into Green Lantern on the way down. Ha ha, I totally freaked out those campers! Well, enough of that. I think I'll visit . . . THE JUSTICE LEAGUE! 

_At JLI headquarters:_

**Batman:** Hey Hal. Gonna join up again? 

**Blue Beetle:** Pleeeeeease join us. Pleeeeeease. 

**Hal:** But I thought you had Guy Gardner as your Green Lantern. 

**Blue Beetle:** *shrugs* But we hate him. 

**Hal:** Who doesn't? 

**Guy:** Hey, I resemble that remark!! WUSS!!! 

**Hal:** Okay, forget this noise. I've got to go define myself not as a superhero, but as a MAN-- 

**Batman:** Whatever. *slams door* 

**Hal:** Wait, I wasn't done with my soliloquy!! 

_Meanwhile:_

**John Stewart:** Help! I'm feeling guilty because there are problems in the world that I'm not solving as a Green Lantern. Okay, you can go back to Hal now. 

_Meanwhile again:_

**Hal:** Well, I guess I'll hop onto this freight train, even though I could easily use my ring to fly wherever the hell I wanted. 

**Train guy:** Get offa the train, ya bum. *tosses Hal out* 

**Hal:** Whoops, either this is the town Ollie and I went through years ago on our Hard Travelin' crossover--I mean, adventure--or I'm having a flashback! Man, that Rose girl I met as Green Lantern back then was a hottie. I wonder if she's still around. 

_He goes into a store._

**Hal:** Hey, anyone know where Rose Lewis lives? 

**Store lady:** Sure, we all love to share personal information on our townsfolk. That's what makes Hope Springs the "Stalker Capital of Ohio", you know!

**Hal:** But we're not in Ohio. 

**Store lady:** No, but we like the way it sounds. Anyway, she lives on that hill. And now she's Rose Hardin. 

**Hal:** Last name change? _That_ can't be good . . . 

_He trots up the hill._

**Hal:** Hey, how about a job? 

**Rose:** I've got enough trouble raising my son by myself. 

**Hal:** By yourself? WOOHOO! 

**Rose:** Hey, I've got an idea. Since you're a strange man I met five minutes ago and have no reason to trust, why don't you live here at my house? 

**Hal:** WOOHOO! 

**Rose:** No sex, though. 

**Hal:** DAMN IT! 

_Back with John Stewart . . ._

**John Stewart:** Okay, that's it. I'm going to Oa to get some answers from those Guardians, damn it! You readers had better know who they are, because I'm sure as hell not going to go into detail about them or Oa. Okay, back to you Hal. 

_Back with Hal:_

**Rose:** Break up the ground with this pickaxe. Then we can plant this pear tree. I hope it likes growing in solid rock, because that's what we've got. 

**Hal:** Yeah, whatever. This is boring. Let's fast forward a few hours. 

_That night:_

**Hal:** Stars. Pretty! 

**Rose's kid:** Hey mister! My name's Toby! I'm unnecessarily cutesy! Within a few issues I'll probably be asking my mom if you're going to be my new daddy. 

**Hal:** Yeah, whatever. Hey, guess what? Alien fish live on that one star up there. 

**Rose:** Hey, stop filling up my kid's head with that crap! Death to creativity! 

**Hal:** Uh . . . okay. 

**Rose:** Death to Alice in Wonderland! 

**Hal:** Um . . . 

**Rose:** Death to Harry Potter! 

**Hal:** That hasn't even been written yet. 

**Rose:** Oh, that's right. Not to change the subject or anything, but I've never been able to see the constellations. 

**Hal:** Except the Big Dipper, right? 

**Rose:** The big what? 

**Hal:** Oh my _God._ Look, I know we're in a remote area, but EVERYONE knows the Big Dipper. GUY GARDNER knows the Big Dipper. AMBUSH BUG knows the Big Dipper. My DOG knows the Big Dipper--and I don't even HAVE a dog. See, it's right there. *suggestively puts his arm around her while he points it out* 

**Toby:** Moooooommy! Tuck me iiiiiiin! 

**Rose: ** Whoops! Gotta go! 

**Hal:** Grrr . . . stupid kid. 

_Meanwhile, on Oa:_

**John Stewart:** Okay, so where's the Old Timer, the Guardian with the stupid name? Hmm . . . *looks in a cave and gasps dramatically* GASP! Looks like a cliffhanger to me. GASP! 

_Back with Hal:_

**Hal:** Geez, Rose sure makes me dig a lot . . . I don't know why, it's not like anything's going to grow in this solid rock . . . 

**Guy:** Hi Hal! Guess who? BWAHAHAHA!! 

**Hal:** Damn it, Guy. Go away. 

**Guy:** No. 

**Hal:** Yes. 

**Guy:** No. 

**Hal:** Grrr . . . 

**Guy:** WUSSIE! 

**Hal:** Bah! That's an insult that can only be met with a Gratuitous Fight Scene--Green Lantern style! And you know what that means-- 

**Both:** Giant green hand arm-wrestling match!!! 

_They arm-wrestle with giant green hand constructs, but THEN--_

**Rose (coming out of the house):** Gasp! Oh no, I'm shocked! What are you, Hal?? 

**Hal:** I'm . . . *dramatic pause* . . . a man. (ALL man, if you know what I mean! *wink wink*) 

**Rose:** No, you can't be a man because when you look at a man you know what he can and can't do and when I look at you I can't know what you can do or if you can do the can-can--wait, where was this line of reasoning going again? 

**Hal:** Beats me. You lost me at "because". 

**Rose:** Anyway, I don't want you around. I only accept strange men who can dig with a pickaxe for hours on end, not strange men who have magic rings that could potentially plant all these pear trees in five minutes. Go away. 

**Guy:** Well, I sure ruined your love life, Hal. Heh heh heh. See you around, loser. *flies off* 

**Hal:** Um . . . well, I guess I'm out of here, then. But not until I brood about how my ring makes me something MORE . . . and something LESS . . . than a man. 

**Rose:** Yeah, okay, whatever. 

**Toby:** Moooommy!!! 

**Hal:** *mutters* Stupid kid. 

_THE END_


End file.
